Woeful Wizards: Prisoner of Azkaban
by Woeful Wizards
Summary: Mysterious forces loom over Hogwarts. But as things start to get dark, everything else starts to get light with idiotic "humour", not to mention "drama". A soap opera based on Harry Potter.
1. Episode One

**Woeful Wizards Prisoner of Azkaban Episode One**

**Scene 1:**

[Ron is sitting alone at a desk. There is a single light in the dim room, and it shines upon his emotionally traumatized face]

**Ron:** (writing a letter and voiceover) Dear Harry…

[Ron looks up, swivels, and then continues writing]

**Ron:** (still writing] As each day passes I yearn to see your bespectacled face of wisdom and advice again. Egypt is, swivel, glitter-tastic. However, my rat Scabbers, is feeling unwell. And by utter coincidence, a mass murderer is on the loose and I am worried for your safety. Although I am assured that my love for you will be a bright light to guide you once again into my open arms, I cannot help but replay the events of yesteryear in my mind. I know something as dangerous as fighting a basilisk shall never happen again, but still, I wonder.

Yours, forever and for the rest of eternity,

RON

[Ron pauses, scratches his head and writes:]

**Ron:** P.S. Do you know what an animagus is?

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are sitting around a table, chatting.]

**Draco:** I think we should make a (s) pact.

**Crabbe:** Yeah. Shall we take off our shirts?

**Goyle:** I have a better idea.

[Draco and Crabbe both swivel to Goyle and promptly stare at him for an uncomfortable few seconds]

**Draco:** (testily) What, exactly?

**Goyle:** (s) Let's start a (s) band.

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 3:**

[The Dursleys are having tea.]

**Mr Dursley:** Pass us the milk.

**Mrs Dursley:** Of course dear.

[Harry bursts into the scene, swivels, and then sits down at the table with a big sigh]

**Harry:** (s) I cannot bear it any longer!

**Mr Dursley:** What?

**Harry:** (s and pauses) … nothing.

**Mr Dursley:** Right, then.

[Harry takes out his "HOGSMEADE PERMISSION FORM" and lays it on the table, then proceeds to stare at it]

**Mr Dursley:** What's that?

**Harry:** (s and pauses)… nothing.

**Mr Dursley:** Okay. (Picks up paper and begins to read and speaks from behind it) By the way, Aunt Marge is coming.

**Harry:** (standing up and s) What? No! I won't!

**Mrs Dursley:** Won't what?

**Harry:** (s) Always.

**Mr Dursley:** So, everyone be nice, yeah?

**Harry:** (s) NO!

**Mr Dursley:** Eh?

**Harry:** Not unless you sign (flourish) this. (Picks up permission form and waves in Dursley's face)

**Mr Dursley:** (waves paper away) Later, later.

**Harry:** (s) Fine, I shall partake in your treaty. But, beware; I'll only be nice (s) if she is.

[Harry storms off]

**Mr Dursley:** Ah, the news is on.

**Scene 4:**

[Draco and Crabbe are still staring, open mouthed at Goyle]

**Draco:** (s) What?

**Goyle:** Well, I've become a very good violinist over the summer and Crabbe (s to aforementioned) you truly are beginning to learn the bass guitar.

[Crabbe looks adoringly at Goyle]

**Goyle:** (s to Draco) And Draco, I think you'll make a great trianglist.

**Draco:** (smugly) I've already learnt the triangle. I've been playing for five years.

**Goyle:** And we already have a band name.

**Draco and Crabbe:** (s) What?

**Goyle:** (stares out into middle distance) the Golden Trio.

[Happy music]

**Scene 5:**

[At Privet Drive. Harry is sitting, sulking, at the dining room table with the Dursley's and Aunt Marge]

**Marge:** What school do you go to again, Harry?

[Harry glares at her, and then swivels away to glare at his potatoes]

**Mr Dursley:** St Brutus's.

**Marge:** Ah. (Pause) And what does your father do, Harry?

[Harry glares at the ceiling, and then swivels to glare at his roast.]

**Mr Dursley:** He's dead, Marge.

**Marge:** Ah. (Pause) And your mother's dead as well, Harry?

**Harry:** (stands up, gets out his wand and shouting) THAT'S IT. I CAN STAND YOU ACCUSING ME OF GOING TO A SCHOOL FOR THE INCURABLY CRIMINAL. I CAN STAND YOU ACCUSING MY FATHER OF BEING AN UNEMPLOYED LAY-A-BOUT BUT I CANNOT, AND WILLNOT, STAND FOR YOU CALLING MY MOTHER A BITCH. (points wand at Marge) _RELATIVUS ENLARGUS!_

[Nothing happens]

**Mrs Dursley:** Oh my! You're enormous!

**Mr Dursley:** Eww…

**Harry:** Goodbye, cruel world!

[Harry runs out the door, only stopping to collect his conveniently placed trunk and Hedwig]

**Scene 6:**

[Draco and the gang are still sitting around a table]

**Goyle:** Well?

**Draco:** (s) Let's do it. Crabbe?

[Goyle and Draco stare at Crabbe. Crabbe appears to be thinking.]

**Crabbe:** Okay. (Pause) But we should play shirtless.

**Scene 7:**

[Harry is sitting on the curb]

**Harry:** It's not (s) fair. I'm Harry Potter and (stands up and shouting) I AM A WIZARD AND IT IS NOT (s) FAIR!

**Neighbour:** (offscreen) WILL YOU BE QUIET?

**Harry:** Whoops. (Sits back down)

[Out of nowhere, a dog appears]

**Harry:** (s to dog) Oh my Merlin! A dog! Is it an (s) omen?

[Enter Knight Van. Dog runs away]

**Harry:** (tries to s, but falls over) Argh, my back!

**Stan:** (steps out of Knight Van) My name is Stan Shunpike. I shall now assist you into the Knight Van.

**Harry:** (blinks) What?

**Stan:** Listen, kid, just get in the van. We have hot chocolate.

**Harry:** (shrugs) Just take me to the Leaky Cauldron.

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 8**

[In train compartment with Ron, Hermione and Lupin. Hermione is reading, Ron is staring at Hermione and Lupin is sleeping]

**Ron:** You have really pretty eyes, Hermione.

**Hermione:** (looks up) What?

**Ron:** (s)… nothing.

[Harry walks in, in his robes, swivels, and sits down]

**Harry:** You never guess who I just…

[Lights go out and only blackness can be seen]

**Hermione:** What was that?

**Ron:** Harry, hold me.

**Harry:** I can't.

**Ron:** Why?

**Harry:** You've pinned my arms down.

[Suddenly, a light is shone on a Dementor's face. The Dementor is dressed as a "goff"]

**Ron:** (s) I feel nauseous.

**Hermione:** Ah, (s) my soul!

**Dementor:** wat did u just sae b'loody mary smith

**Harry:** I think I'm gonna…

**Dementor:** hey vampire look I no u wanna fuk mi but i m wif draco k we had sex is that stupid

**Harry:** Oh Merlin, I'm gonna…

**Hermione:** (s) What are you going to do, Harry?

**Harry:** FAINT. (faints)

**Ron:** No! (falls to knees) NO!

[Lupin gets up}

**Lupin:** EXPECTO PATRONUM!

[Patronus leaps up and starts to heard the Dementor away]

**Dementor:** oh satan a prep and poser stop flaming me

[Dementor exits. Harry gets up]

**Harry:** (s) Who are you?

**Lupin:** A were- I mean, the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

[Harry and Hermione look astounded. Ron is eating. Lupin starts to bite his nails. Dramatic music]

**END OF EPISODE ONE**


	2. Episode Two

**Woeful Wizards Prisoner of Azkaban Episode Two**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry and Ron plus all Gryffindors, excluding Hermione, are in the Divination room]

**Harry:** I wonder what our new teacher is like.

[Hermione appears out of nowhere]

**Hermione:** [Putting away Time Turner] Huh, I think this Time Turner is a little off.

**Ron:** (s) WHAT?

**Hermione:** (s)… nothing.

**Ron:** (s to Harry) Did Hermione just-

**Harry:** (s) Hush Ron. Teacher is coming.

[Trelawney shuffles into class]

**Trelawney:** [without infliction] Morning.

**Hermione**: [looks shocked] Well that was melodramatic.

**Trelawney**: [still in monotone] Everyone get a teacup.

[All students get teacups]

**Harry**: (whispering to gang) She likes the theatrics, doesn't she?

**Trelawney**: Just read the textbook, okay?

[Trelawney falls asleep in her chair]

**Ron**: (s to Harry) Did she just predict your death, Harry?

**Harry**: (stares into middle distance) I think so, Ron. I think so.

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are walking towards the Forbidden Forest]

**Goyle**: So, Draco?

**Draco**: Yes?

**Goyle**: Who's going to be our singer?

**Draco**: (s)… I don't know.

**Crabbe**: But we need a singer bec-

**Draco**: (turns around sharply and yells) I SAID I DON'T KNOW.

[Draco storms off. Crabbe and Goyle look at each other, stunned]

**Scene 3:**

[Outside Hagrid's Hut. The Slytherins and Gryffindors are waiting. Hagrid comes out of the Forbidden Forest, leading Buckbeak]

**Hagrid:** Salutations, dear friends!

**Draco:** (in high pitched voice) Salutations!

[Goyle and Crabbe giggle. Harry glares at Draco.]

**Hagrid:** Before we start, does anyone know what an animagus is? No? Harry, you better find out soon.

[Harry looks confused]

**Hagrid:** Now, who knows what this noble creature is? (points to Buckbeak)

[Everyone looks at Hermione]

**Hermione:** (s) What?

**Ron:** What's the answer Hermione?

**Hermione:** (angry s at Ron) How the bleeding hell should I know? (starts to cry)

**Neville:** (smoking) Hippogriff.

**Hagrid: **Congratulations, Hermione. That shall earn the Gryffindor household five points.

[Hermione stops crying and looks pleased with herself. Neville shrugs]

**Hagrid:** This good fellow's name is Buckbeak. Now, the Hippogriffs are a very proud race. If you dare offend them in the slightest, you will die. So, Harry, go and pet him.

**Harry:** (s) WHAT?

**Hagrid:** I dare say, Harry, that you shall succeed in this endeavour.

**Harry:** Okay… (s) But only to defend Neville's honour.

[Everyone looks shocked. Neville shrugs and continues smoking. Hagrid nods solemnly]  
><strong>Hagrid:<strong> As always, sire. Now, to appease a Hippogriff you must-

**Harry:** (s) Bow?

**Hagrid:** (puzzled) Good heavens, no. How old fashioned. No, you must soothe a Hippogriff with the gentle thrum of a lullaby.

**Harry:** So, I have to (s) sing?

**Hagrid:** Or you could-

**Harry:** Fine. (s) For Neville.

[Harry starts to sing:]

"_Hey there Buckbeak_

_Your coat looks sleek_

_Your wings seem large_

_I bet they could hold up a barge._

_You look real nice_

_That's all I wanted to say"_

**Goyle:** (whispering to Draco) He has the voice of an angel!

**Crabbe:** (whispering as well) And the lyrics of a bard!

[Buckbeak nods. All Gryffindors cheer, except for Neville who continues to smoke. All Slytherins scowl. Hagrid wipes tears away with his ascot]

**Scene 4:**

[In the Hogwarts staffroom. Snape, Lupin, McGonagall and Sprout are all having afternoon tea.]

**Sprout:** More tea, Snape?

**Snape:** I'm allergic, you ins-

[Wardrobe rattles in a mysterious way]

**Lupin:** Is that a boggart?

**McGonagall:** Yes.

**Lupin:** Oh. (Pause) Mind if I use it?

**McGonagall:** No.

**Lupin:** Good.

[They all take a sip of tea, except for Snape, who is drinking Diet Coke™]

**Scene 5:**

[Harry has just come back from riding Buckbeak. He is surrounded by Gryffindors.]

**Dean:** On ya, Harry!

**Ron:** (s) What a truly unforgettable experience, Harry.

**Hermione:** I believed in you, (s) Harry!

**Harry:** (s) And I couldn't have done it without your belief, Ro- I mean Herm- wait, what?

[Harry falls off Buckbeak. Draco and the gang rock up]

**Draco:** Bet I can ride Buckbeak better than you, (s) Potter.

**Ron:** (s) Prove it, Milkweed.

**Draco:** Ahem (starts to sing) "_Oh Amazing Grace-"_

[Buckbeak attacks Draco. Draco falls over, bleeding. Crabbe and Goyle rush to his aid]

**Harry:** You're such a (s) baby, Malfoy.

**Crabbe:** (through tears and s) He's bleeding from the head!

**Hermione:** Yeah! (s) Just because you have a thing against half-humans.

**Ron:** Stop putting it on, (s) Mudfruit.

**Goyle:** He's (s) unconscious.

[Hagrid picks up Malfoy]

**Hagrid:** TO THE INFIRMARY!

[Hagrid rushes off, with Crabbe and Goyle in tow. There is a moment of silence]

**Hermione:** Well, let's go to Defence Against the Dark Arts.

[Everyone shrugs and moves on.]

**Scene 6:**

[Draco is lying, asleep in bed. There is a bandage on his head. Crabbe and Goyle are holding a hand a piece]

**Crabbe:** Do you think he'll (s) live, Goyle?

**Goyle:** (s)… probably.

**Crabbe:** Oh, okay then.

[Mr and Mrs Malfoy walk in]

**Mr Malfoy:** Oh, my baby!

[Mr Malfoy runs to Draco's bed, sobbing]

**Mr Malfoy:** Who did this to you precious, who?

[Mr Malfoy picks up Draco's head and brings Draco's mouth closer to his ear]

**Draco:** (hoarsely) Buck… beak.

**Mr Malfoy:** (drops Draco's head and stands up sharply) That's it. I shall not rest until this Buckbeak is gone forever from Hogwarts and from this life!

[Dramatic music. Mr Malfoy storms out.]

**Mrs Malfoy:** Hi boys. How are you?

[Crabbe and Goyle look confused]

**Mrs Malfoy:** Oh, is Draco not feeling very well?

[Mr Malfoy comes back in, takes Mrs Malfoy by the hand and leads her away]

**Scene 7:**

[Harry and the gang are outside the DADA classroom, with the rest of the Gryffindors]

**Harry:** I wonder if Draco is going to be okay…

**Hermione:** (s) Of course he's going to be okay. It was only a scratch. (s) Right?

**Ron: **Man, I'm hungry.

[Harry and Hermione stare at Ron.]

**Ron:** (s) I wonder what Lupin will be like.

**Hermione:** I bet he'll be (s) interesting.

**Harry:** Dunno, I think he'll be kinda boring.

**Hermione:** (s) What do you mean, Harry?

**Harry:** Well, every teacher we have is either really mundane, really dramatic or Hagrid.

**Ron:** Yeah, but that's (s and stare into middle distance as well) life.

**Harry and Hermione:** (both s and stare into the middle distance as well) Life.

[The door to the defence against the DADA classroom mysteriously opens]

**Lupin:** (offscreen) Come in.

[The Gryffindors go in. Dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE TWO**


	3. Episode Three

**Woeful Wizards Prisoner of Azkaban Episode Three**

**Scene 1:**

[The Gryffindors are in the DADA classroom. Lupin is at the front, smiling. It is tense]

**Hermione**: (puts hand up) Sir, what are we doing today?

**Lupin**: Actually we're in the staffroom today.

**Scene 2:**

[The Gryffindors are in the staffroom with Lupin. Peeves is in front of the wardrobe containing the boggart, trying to stick a piece of chewing gum in.]

**Lupin**: (Pause) What are you doing, Peeves?

**Peeves**: I empathise with the sad creature. He knows no light, and nor do I. So, I thought I'd give him chewing gum.

[Everyone laughs]

**Lupin**: Ah, Peeves! How cheeky! _Waddiwasi_!

[The chewing gum is shoots up Peeves' nose. He runs out sobbing]

**Dean**: Good one (s) Professor.

**Lupin**: Cheers.

**Ron**: So, is the thing that's in the wardrobe as (s) hilarious as Peeves?

**Lupin**: 'Fraid not. It's actually a boggart.

**Hermione**: (s) I was going to say that.

**Lupin**: NEVILLE! Put out that cigarette!

[Neville does so, reluctantly]

**Lupin**: Since you obviously weren't paying attention, Neville, you can go first.

[Neville steps up and stands in front of the wardrobe. He looks moody.]

**Lupin**: Right, the spell is "_Riddikulus_". (points wand to wardrobe) _Alohamora_!

[Wardrobe door opens. Nothing happens.]

**Draco**: (s) This class is ridiculous.

**Crabbe**: So is his outfit.

[Draco and Goyle turn to stare at Crabbe. Crabbe is oblivious]

**Ron**: Poor (s) Neville. Nothing's happening.

**Hermione**: Obviously (s) the boggart cannot chose between his many fears.

**Seamus**: Aye, but what if (s) he's not afraid of anything.

**Dean**: Or (s) everything's afraid of him.

**Harry**: (s) DON'T WORRY, NEVILLE, I WILL DEFEND YOUR HONOUR.

[Harry pushes Neville out of the way. Enoby (i.e. a Dementor) steps out of the wardrobe]

**Enoby**: fangz alott vamprei it wazz lyk 4 prepz in ther wer is draco he lux lyk joel

**Lupin**: Oh. Whoops.

[Lupin leaps in between Harry and Enoby. Enoby changes into a sign that says "REMUS IS A WEREWOLF"]

**Lupin**: _Riddikulus_.

[Sign now says: "REMUS IS A HUMAN". Everyone laughs. The boggart goes back into the wardrobe]

**Ron:** Remus! (s) What a funny name!

**Lupin:** Right, since no one actually performed the spell, I'm giving you all homework.

[Everyone groans]

**Seamus:** But (s) sir!

**Lupin:** Fine. No homework. Now go away.

[Everyone cheers and heads out.]

**Harry:** (s) I wonder who Remus is.

**Ron:** (s) I wonder what an animagus is.

**Scene 3:**

[Draco and the gang plus Pansy are reclining under an oak. Draco is wearing a bandage around his head]

**Pansy:** (s) Does it hurt much, Draco darling?

**Draco:** (s) … no. I mean, the wizarding world does have pretty powerful painkillers.

**Pansy:** You poor thing. (touches shoulder) Let me comfort you.

**Crabbe:** (sharply) He's got all the comfort he wants, thank you very much.

**Goyle:** (s to Crabbe) What?

**Crabbe:** Huh?

**Goyle:** (suspiciously) What about me?

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 4:**

[Harry and the gang are in Transfiguration.]

**Ron:** (s to Harry) There is a Hogsmeade trip next weekend.

**Harry:** (s to Ron) Oh dear! My uncle has not signed my permission form!

**Hermione:** Well, you can't go anyway. (s) Sirius Black is on the loose.

**Harry:** (s) Who?

**Hermione:** Only the (s) mass murderer. Gee, Harry, didn't you know he was after you, to kill you?

**Harry:** Oh. I just thought that was fanmail.

**Ron:** (s) But you have to come, Harry! It shall be a great injustice if you do not!

**Harry:** You do put forward a very convincing argument, Ron. (s) I'll talk to McGonagall now.

[Harry walks up to McGonagall]

**Harry:** Miss, can I go to Hogsmeade?

**McGonagall:** No.

[Harry returns to Ron and Hermione]

**Ron:** Well?

**Harry:** (s) I tried, Ron. (s) I truly, truly tried.

[Tears well up in Harry's eyes. Defeat music is played.]

**Scene 5:**

[Crabbe and Goyle are in the bathrooms, going at it. They are arguing]

**Crabbe: **(s) What did you mean, back then?

**Goyle:** What I meant (s), Vincent, was what if I need some comfort? What then?

**Crabbe:** You don't need me to babysit you, (s) Gregory.

**Goyle:** (s) What if I like being babysat?

**Crabbe:** (s) What if you shut your Pumpkin Pasty hole?

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 6:**

[Harry is at his window, looking angstily down at all the students going to Hogsmeade]

**Harry:** (s) So much angst! I must find a teacher with whom I can confer these feelings with. (s) The internet just won't do for today.

[Harry goes into Lupin's office]

**Harry:** Sir, (s) we need to talk.

**Lupin:** Okay. But first, what's in the corner of the room?

**Harry:** A grindylow?

**Lupin:** Right. You better remember that. Write it on your hand.

[Harry does so]

**Harry:** I'm so full of (s) angst, sir.

**Lupin:** Uh-huh. Is this about the boggart?

**Harry:** … sure.

**Lupin:** Do you know, this means that the only thing you fear is fear itself.

**Harry:** And goffs.

**Lupin:** Yeah, but those things are scary to everyone.

**Harry:** How do you (s) protect yourself against Dementors?

**Lupin:** Actually, I am a teacher, so I could-

[Snape walks in, carrying a goblet]

**Snape:** That should be enough. Now quit whining about it.

[Snape leaves.]

**Harry:** Professor (s) don't drink that! I have reasonable evidence to believe that it is actually poison or possibly full of date rape drugs.

[Lupin downs the whole thing]

**Lupin:** I like a risk.

**Harry:** Sir?

**Lupin:** Oh yeah, right. I'll help you defend yourself against Dementors. Just a little later, yeah?

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 7:**

[Draco and the Slytherin Quidditch team are having a meeting]

**Draco:** We won't play the next game against Gryffindor. I'm (s) injured.

[Everyone nods]

**Flint:** Plus, it'll be (s) rainy.

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 8:**

[Harry and the gang are walking towards the Gryffindor common room]

**Harry:** You know?

**Ron:** (s) Totally.

**Hermione:** (s and point) What's going on up ahead?

[There is a crowd of students outside the Fat Lady's portrait. She isn't there]

**Percy:** The Fat Lady, she's gone!

**Harry:** Oh, is that all?

**Parvati:** The Fat Lady, she's (s) gone!

**Harry:** (s) NO!

[Dumbledore sashays in]

**Dumbledore:** (puts hands on hips and looks around moodily) Someone please tell me where (s) the lump of lard is.

**Fat Lady:** (blocked by student and crying) I'm here!

[Student moves out of the way and Fat Lady is revealed to be in the portrait right next to the first one.]

**Dumbledore:** (s) Who did this (waves hands around) to you, chubby?

**Fat Lady:** (through tears and s) Sirius (s) Black!

[Everyone gasps and looks worried]

**Harry: **Oh, him again.

[Fred and George run up to Harry]

**Fred:** Oliver Wood has just told us.

**George:** It is Hufflepuff we are to versus.

**Harry:** (s) What? Why?

**Fred:** Flint's saying because of Draco's injury.

**George:** But we know it's since it's rainy.

**Harry:** (falls to knees and tears his shirt off) NO! (starts to sob uncontrollably)

[Dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE THREE**


	4. Episode Four

**WOEFUL WIZARDS PRISONER OF AZKABAN EPISODE FOUR**

**Scene 1:**

[Draco is sitting at the window of the hospital wing, staring at the Quidditch pitch, bandaged up.]

**Draco**: Oh, how I wish I could join them. (sighs) But alas, my injuries will not permit me.

[Madam Pomfrey appears, leading Crabbe and Goyle]

**Pomfrey**: See? I told you he wasn't dead.

[Pomfrey leaves.]

**Crabbe**: (rushes to Draco's side) Draco, are you okay?

**Draco**: CRABBE! (Draco embraces Crabbe) I missed you so much.

**Crabbe**: (flustered) I… missed you too. (Hugs back fiercely)

**Goyle**: It's so good to see you (s) well.

[Long pause]

**Draco**: (s)… who are you?

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 2:**

[The Gryffindor team are getting a pep talk from Wood]

**Wood**: It's rainy. (s) But the spirit of the Gryffindor house lives on.

[Entire team stands up and cheers]

**Angelina**: So… so inspring. (starts to sob)

**Fred**: Now let's go out and win!

**George**: Put Hufflepuff in the bin!

[They go out chanting]

**Harry**: That was (s) glittertastic, Oliver.

**Oliver:** Just stay on your broom, Potter.

**Scene 3:**

[At the Quidditch pitch. It is raining. Hufflepuff and Gryffindor are about to play. The two captains are shaking hands]

**Harry:** (to Fred and George) Who's the Hufflepuff captain.

**Fred:** That is Cedric Diggory.

**George:** Notice how he's so sparkly.

[Madam Hooch blows her whistle. The players start "flying" around]

**Harry:** Now where is the snitch? (Pause) (s) There is it! Oh, no, wait that's just Diggory's hair. Wait, there it is!

[Harry starts to chase the snitch and is led away from pitch. Suddenly a dog appears]

**Harry:** (s) My death has been foretold!

[The dog runs away at the sight of approaching Dementors]

**Dementor 1:** oh hay vampire

**Dementor 2:** ar wiu gonna have sex or wta

**Dementor 3:** yeh I toats no everything whers hagird

**Harry:** I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! (he fainst and falls off his broom)

[Cedric flies in and grabs snitch.]

**Cedric:** YES! (sees Harry) Oh, what a shame.

**Dementor 1:** hi, fello vamrpie

[Cedric screams and runs away.]

**Scene 3:**

[Draco is still sitting by the window. He is talking to Crabbe. Goyle is not there.]

**Draco:** Crabbe?

**Crabbe:** (s) Yes?

**Draco:** Why do I remember you but not Goyle?

**Crabbe:** Maybe it's because we have stronger (s) feelings for each other.

**Draco:** I don't- (s) what's that?

**Crabbe:** Huh? (turns around) That's a fruit bowl.

**Draco:** But what's in (s) it?

**Crabbe:** An… apple.

**Draco:** Wow.

**Scene 4:**

[Harry is in the hospital bed. The Gryffindor Quidditch team and Hermione are gathered around. Hermione is holding the remnants of Harry's broom)

**Ron:** (s) Is he breathing?

[Madam Pomfrey walks by]

**Pomfrey:** Yes.

[Pomfrey walks off. Harry wakes up]

**Harry:** What? I- Ron!

**Ron:** (s) Harry!

**Harry:** (s) Fred! (s) George!

**Fred and George:** (in unison and s) Harry!

**Hermione:** Harry…

**Harry:** (s) Oliver? Did we win?

**Hermione:** Harry…

**Wood:** No. Cedric got the snitch right after you fainted. Said he never saw you.

**Harry:** Oh…

**Hermione:** HARRY!

**Harry:** (s) Hermione!

**Hermione:** Your broom- somehow it (s) broke. (Shows pieces of broom) It fell into the Whomping Willow.

**Harry:** (s) But I was nowhere near the Whomping Willow.

**Hermione:** (frowns) Strange…

**Ron:** Why are there sparkles on it?

**Harry:** My Nimbus…

(Cuts to video montage of all the good times Harry had with his broom; flying with it, laughing with it, on a picinic with it by the lake)

**Harry:** I'd like to be alone (s) with the… remainders.

**Ron:** (s) I'll stay for-

**Harry:** Leave.

[Everyone troops out. Harry stares at broken pieces of broom. Tragic music]

**Scene 6:**

[Crabbe and Goyle are sitting in the Slytherin dorms]

**Goyle:** Crabbe, we've got to make him (s) remember me.

**Crabbe:** (s) I agree. He's gone… weird. He won't stop carrying around this apple.

**Goyle:** There must be something we can do. (s) Anything!

[Pause]

**Crabbe:** Well, we do know one thing that heals all wounds and mends all injuries.

**Goyle:** (s) What?

**Crabbe:** It's risky but-

**Goyle:** But what? (s) What is it?

**Crabbe:** (s and long, dramatic pause) … Music.

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 7:**

[After a DADA class. Harry and the gang are packing up their books. Lupin is staring vacantly into space]

**Harry:** You go (s) ahead.

**Ron:** Fine then.

[Ron stomps out. Hermione hesitates, and then runs off after Ron]

**Harry:** Professor, can I (s) talk to you?

[Lupin does not move]

**Harry:** Awesome. (takes seat opposite Lupin) Did you hear about the match?

**Lupin:** (makes noise similar to: ) Euargh…

**Harry:** Then you would know about my… about my Nimbus (voice breaks)

[Lupin continues to stare at nothing]

**Harry:** The Dementors, (s) why do they affect me so? Worse than (s) others? Is it because the Dementors feed off bad memories and I have more than others, since my mother was killed before my eyes?

[Lupins head slumps a little]

**Harry:** Wow. (Pause) Also, Professor, do you think you can teach me how to defend myself against (s) Dementors?

[Nothing happens]

**Harry:** Sweet. Next term it (s) is.

[Harry goes away. Lupin jumps in his seat]

**Lupin:** Huh? Must have fallen asleep. (Pause) Meh.

[Lupin goes back to sleep]

**Scene 8:**

[Draco is under a tree, intensely staring at an apple. Crabbe and Goyle come along, each respectively holding a bass and a violin.]

**Crabbe:** Draco?

**Draco:** (s) What? Can't you see I'm busy?

**Crabbe:** There's something we'd like to (s) play for you.

**Goyle:** We call it "Draco Really Acts Perfectly- Perhaps Lately it's Enough".

[Endure roughly three minutes of pure noise. Moment of silence follows]

**Draco:** (s) Gregory!

[Draco hugs Goyle. Goyle hugs back. Crabbe decides to join in. Friendship music]

**Scene 9:**

[In Gryffindor common rooms. Harry and Ron are playing cards, Hermione is reading and Ginny is sitting by the fire, staring at Harry. Dean and Seamus rush up]

**Dean:** (s) Guess- oh hey, Ginny.

**Ginny:** (blushes and mumbles something) Hey.

**Harry:** (testily) What do you want, (s) Dean?

**Seamus:** There's a (s) Hogsmeade trip next weekend!

[Everyone stands up and cheers, except for Harry]

**Ron:** (s of concern) Harry?

**Harry:** (blinking back tears) I'm happy for you Ron.

[Fred and George sidle up to Harry]

**Fred:** There, there Harry dear, don't be so glum.

**George:** We'll let you have your bit of fun.

[Fred and George sidle off screen sideways]

**Harry:** (s) Could it be…?

[Dramatic music]

**Ron:** What's an animagus?

**END OF EPISODE FOUR**


	5. Episode Five

**Woeful Wizards Prisoner of Azkaban Episode Five**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry is watching the other students walk off to Hogsmeade. He takes out a knife.]

**Harry**: (s) I'm so depressed. (Holds knife up to wrist) Should I?

[Fred and George appear]

**Harry**: (spins around and hides knife behind him) Oh… hi.

**Fred**: What on earth was that?

**Harry**: (s)… nothing.

**George**: Never mind. We have a trick up our hat.

**Harry**: (ecstatic) Really?

**Fred**: We know that you've being feeling blue.

**George**: So here is a gift, from us to you.

[They take out the Marauder's Map and give it to Harry]

**Harry**: (s)… What is this (turns over in hands) magic?

**Fred and George**: (together) A map. The Marauder's Map.

**Harry**: (becomes teary) I'll cherish it (s)… forever.

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are strolling towards Hogsmeade, chatting)

**Draco**: But, Granny Smiths are slightly tangier however Pink Ladies have this-

[Draco continues to walk on ahead. Crabbe and Goyle hang back.]

**Goyle**: What is he talking about?

**Crabbe**: (s) I… I don't know.  
><strong>Scene 3:<strong>

[Harry and the gang are in the Three Broomsticks. Harry is being "invisible".]

**Hermione:** This is (s) weird…

**Ron:** Yeah. I can't see your eyes, Harry. (s) Your mother's eyes.

**Harry:** Hush (s) Someone's coming.

[Nothing happens]

**Hermione:** Well, it is a public space Harry, you can't just-

[Fudge, McGonagall and Fudge come in. Dramatic music.]

**McGonagall:** Let's sit here.

[They do so]

**Ron:** (gasps) It's a Professor! (s) Outside school!

[Ron faints]

**Hagrid:** But what on Earth has been achieved pertaining to the capture and incarceration of Sirius Black?

**Fudge:** (Scottish) Dunno. Aye suppose yea knows he's been out and about in these parts, aye? And he was James Potter's best friend. 'Tis correct, Minerva?

**McGonagall:** I don't know, kilt man.

**Hagrid:** (bangs table with fist) I deny any prior knowledge to this.

**McGonagall:** I'm thirsty.

**Fudge:** Aye, we all know that Black is responsible for tae Potter's death. He is tae one who turned him into You-Know-Who. In fact, if it weren't for Peter Pettigrew I doubt we'd had him in the first place.

**McGonagall:** Barkeep. BARKEEP!

**Hagrid:** But surely, that's all there is to this despairing tale.

**Fudge:** Ach, nay. (spits on ground) Sirius is Harry's godfather.

**Harry:** (Leaps up) NO! (runs out of the pub)  
><strong>Fudge:<strong> What was that, ach?

**McGonagall:** Who cares? I want a drink.

**Scene 4:**

[Draco and the gang are in Zonko's. Draco is still talking about apples.]

**Draco:** But then, right, the apple rolled on the floor! Get it?

**Crabbe:** (confused) Huh? What was that?

**Goyle:** Draco, we've got to (s) talk.

**Draco:** (s) Talk? About what?

**Crabbe:** We (s) know.

**Draco:** Know?

**Goyle:** Yes. We know about your (s) obsession.

**Draco:** (angrily) I don't have an obsession! You don't know anything!

**Crabbe:** (s) But can't you see that it's hurting the people who love you?

**Draco:** (shouting) I CAN STOP ANYTIME I WANT. I JUST DON'T WANT TO! (runs out of store)

**Crabbe:** (through tears and s to Goyle) What do we do now?

**Goyle:** (stares out into middle distance) We wait.  
>[Dramatic music]<p>

**Scene 5:**

[Harry is standing, "invisible" facing the castle. Hermione and Ron are running up to him]

**Ron:** (turns around in a circle) Harry? HARRY?

**Hermione:** (reaches out and takes off the Cloak) Harry, are you okay?

[Harry does nothing, but continues to stare at the castle.]

**Hermione:** Look, Harry, this changes (lowers voice) nothing.

**Harry:** (angry s) YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. WITHOUT BLACK, I WOULD HAVE PARENTS. WITHOUT BLACK, I WOULD HAVE A PROPER HOME. WITHOUT BLACK, I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY. (s away and whispers) Everything I've ever known is a lie.

**Ron:** (s) But, Harry, what about us?

**Harry:** (looks at both Ron and Hermione and pauses) You are nothing compared to them. Nothing.

[Harry runs off. Hermione starts to cry. Ron looks torn, but comforts Hermione]

**Ron:** Hey Hermione?

**Hermione:** (through tears) What?

**Ron:** What's an animagus?

**Scene 6:**

[Draco is outside the Shrieking Shack. Crabbe and Goyle are standing a little way back]

**Crabbe:** What's (s) happening?

**Goyle:** I think he's going through (s) withdrawal.

[Suddenly, Draco collapses]

**Crabbe:** (rushes forward and kneels besides Draco's body) MUFFINTOP!

**Goyle:** (s) Quickly! CPR!

**Crabbe:** If you insist… (leans towards Draco's mouth)

**Goyle:** Um… I meant (s) wizard CPR.

**Crabbe:** … right. (Pause) So did I.

**Goyle:** _Revivus amigos_!

[Draco opens his eyes, spluttering]

**Crabbe:** Draco, (s) are you okay?

**Draco:** No. (stands up) No, I'm not.

**Goyle:** (s) What is it, Draco?

**Draco:** My name is Draco Malfoy and…

**Crabbe:** (s) You can do it, Draco!

**Draco:** I am a shopaholic.

[Crabbe looks at Goyle. Goyle looks at Crabbe.]

**Goyle:** Close enough.

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 7:**

[In the Gryffindor common room. Hermione and Ron are chilling by the fire]

**Ron:** (s) Well?

**Hermione:** Huh?

[Harry comes down, wearing grunge clothes and eyeliner]

**Hermione:** Harry?

**Harry:** (s to Hermione and stares intensely at her for a few intense seconds) Yes?

**Hermione:** Are you… are you feeling better?

**Harry:** (stares into middle distance) I shall never get rid of the pain right… here (touches his chest)

[Pause]

**Ron:** (confused) Where'd you get the eyeliner from?

**Harry:** Borrowed it off Neville.

[Pause]

**Hermione:** Let's go see Hagrid.

**Ron:** Cool.

**Harry:** Yeah, I'm good with that.

**Scene 8:**

[Draco is writing a letter. Crabbe and Goyle are supervising]

**Draco:** How does this sound? (clears throat) "Dear sires, I am writing to inform you that I have cancelled my subscription to your various catalogues, as it is detrimental to my health and to those around me. Sincerely, Draco Malfoy". Well?

**Crabbe:** You should tell them more about your personal (s) struggles.

**Draco:** Excellent idea (starts writing)

**Goyle:** You know what?

**Crabbe:** (s) What?

**Goyle:** (takes Draco's and Crabbe's hands) We're going to be just fine.

[Inspirational music]

**Scene 9:**

[Harry and the gang are all sitting in Hagrid's hut. Hagrid is crying silently]

**Hermione:** What is (s) it, Hagrid?

**Hagrid:** It's…

**Harry:** Sirius Black?

**Hagrid:** No. The…

**Hermione:** Ministry has fallen and Scrimgeour is dead?

**Hagrid:** Not at all!

**Ron:** (turns to Hermione) Who's Scrimgeour?

**Hermione:** (confused) I… I don't know.

**Hagrid:** (stands up) IT'S BUCKBEAK.

[Everyone swivels to Hagrid]

**Hagrid:** He's being put to death.

[Harry gasps. Ron faints. Hermione starts to cry. Hagrid sits back down. Dramatic music]

**END OF EPISODE FIVE**


	6. Episode Six

**Woeful Wizards Prisoner of Azkaban Episode Six**

**Scene 1:**

[Draco is staring moodily out onto a snow swept landscape. Crabbe and Goyle approach]

**Crabbe**: Draco, are you going to be (s) okay?

**Draco:** I think I'll be (s) fine.

**Goyle:** (s) But how are you going to manage your… affliction without us?

**Draco:** Mother's taking me to a special clinic in (s) Canada.

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 2:**

[Harry and the gang are sitting around the fire in the Gryffindor common room]

**Ron:** Wow, (s) presents!

**Hermione:** (picks up a large book) My parents love me so much!

**Ron:** (picks up food) So do mine!

**Harry:** (stands up and s) My parents are dead.

[Hedwig "flies" in, carrying a broom shaped package]

**Ron:** (s) I wonder what it is!

**Harry:** I hope it's a (s) puppy.

[Harry opens up the package and the Firebolt is there]

**Harry:** Wow.

**Ron:** (s) Whoa.

**Harry:** Ooh.

**Ron:** Aah.

**Hermione:** (s) Who se-

**Harry:** (s) I was having a conversation with RON, Hermione. You're so (s) selfish.

**Ron:** (s) Who sent it?

**Harry:** (s) I… I don't know.

**Hermione:** (s) Wait. (Picks up paper) Here's a note.

**Harry:** (leaps up and rushes to Hermione) What does it say?

[Silence]

**Harry:** (s) Hermione?

**Ron:** (s) Hermione?

**Hermione:** It says… swivel.

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 3:**

[Crabbe and Goyle are sitting together at a table, each wearing Christmas sweaters. They are holding hands.]

**Goyle:** Do you think he'll be (s) alright?

**Crabbe:** (stares intently into Goyle's eyes and then turns away) I can't promise anything.

**Goyle:** (stands up) That's it.

**Crabbe:** (s) What?

**Goyle:** I can't (s) stand not knowing how he is or how well he's doing.

**Crabbe:** (s) You're not saying…

**Goyle:** (s and pause) I am.

**Crabbe:** (clutches Goyle's sweater) But we promised!

**Goyle:** I can't promise (s) anything.

**Crabbe:** (falls to floor and sobs) NO!

**Goyle:** Yes! (s) I'm writing him a strongly worded letter!

[Evil music]

**Scene 4:**

[Harry and Ron are playing Exploding Snap]

**Ron:** Harry, there's (s) something I need to talk to you about.

**Harry:** (Pauses) I think I know what this is about.

[Hermione bursts in with McGonagall]

**Harry and Ron:** (simultaneously) OH. MY. MERLIN. HERMIONE!

**Hermione:** (withering look) Where is it, Harry?

**Harry:** (s) What?

**Hermione:** You know very well what I'm talking about, (s) Potter.

[Cue intense five minutes of no dialogue and dramatic music where the camera just flicks between different characters expressions; Hermione's sternness, Harry's defiance, Ron's confusion and McGonagall's boredom]

**Harry:** (s) Fine.

[Harry pulls out the Firebolt from under his shirt and gives it to Hermione, who gives it to McGonagall]

**McGonagall:** Right, it seems okay to me, but the other teachers and I better check it.

**Hermione:** To check for malicious jinxes, (s) right?

**McGonagall:** … Yes.

[McGonagall runs away, clutching the broomstick and whooping]

**Harry:** (rises out of his chair and coldly) Explain yourself.

**Hermione:** I think someone sent that broom to you to hurt you.

**Ron:** (s) But who could ever want to hurt Harry?

[Everyone turns to Ron, frowns at him and then continues]

**Hermione:** (s) Sirius Black.

[Dramatic music]

**Harry:** I don't know who that is, (s) but you are banished from my sights!

[Even more dramatic music]

**Scene 5:**

[Draco is writing a letter whilst wearing a dressing gown. It reads:]

**Draco (voiceover):** Dearest friends,

While I am deeply touched by your letter, I must inform you that I am doing fine.

Since I am in Canada, there are no credit cards, so I cannot go on a shopping spree. Neither is there internet, as when they previously tried to put it up the moose kept on eating it. My shopaholic-ism, I expect will be over soon, so tell everyone you meet that they shan't weep themselves to sleep any longer; Draco is returning. I wish you both a very Merry Christmas.

Love,

Forever,

Draco.

PS It's apple season here! Best of luck!

**Scene 6:**

[Harry is outside Lupins office. He is about to knock but pauses]

**Harry:** (s) Is what I am about to do wrong? If I am destined to faint, who am I to say no? I must consult-

[Lupin opens the door]

**Lupin:** Oh, hello Harry. What are you doing here?

**Harry:** Your giving me lessons on how to protect myself against (s) _them_.

**Lupin:** … Okay. I think I have a boggart in here. Still has trouble coming out after what Neville did to it.

**Harry:** (angry s to Lupin) Neville is more of a man than you'll ever be.

**Lupin:** (murmurs) Certainly hope so.

**Harry:** What was that?

**Lupin:** Nothing! Let's go inside! (Ushers Harry in)

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 7:**

[McGonagall, Flitwick and Sprout are all racing around Hogwarts on brooms. McGonagall is riding the Firebolt. Snape walks out]

**Snape:** You are disturbing my meditation, Minerva.

**McGonagall:** And you disturbed my broomstick flying. Get 'em boys!

[Flitwick and Sprout chase Snape away. When they return, McGonagall hands them each a cocktail]

**Flitwick:** How did you do that?

**McGonagall:** The real question is; what can I not do? With the new Firebolt™ by my side, the answer is nothing. (Flashes winning smile at camera)

[Theme music: "Buy this broom and your dreams will zoom"]

**Scene 8:**

[Harry is unconscious on the floor. Lupin is eating something.]

**Harry:** (waking up) Ugh. Not again. (s) Can I have some?

**Lupin:** Sure man, it'll loosen you up.

**Harry:** Thanks. What type of (s) chocolate is this?

**Lupin:** Chocolate?

**Harry:** (finishing eating) Okay, I'm ready.  
><strong>Lupin:<strong> You know, Harry, you remind me so much of your father.

**Harry:** (s) You knew him?

**Lupin:** (smiling) Yeah, I sure did.

**Harry:** (shrugs) Whatever. (s) RELEASE THE DEMON!

[Lupin opens trunk]

**Dementor:** (remains inside box) izz dat u nevaile?

**Lupin:** Don't worry; he can't reach you in here.

**Dementor:** okayyy

[Dementor gets out of the box]

**Dementor:** oh mi g iod harry oar shaull I sae vampirf dis is u raven

**Harry:** (pointing wand at Dementor) Expecto Patronum!

**Dementor:** so I woke uo iin mii blink one hundead (GEDDIT?) ate too shirt an d putt on dis lyk read n torn satan gown and then I lyk cut myself cedricc iz hagird

**Harry:** (crying) It's too powerful! I… I…

[Harry faints.]

**Dementor:** (turns to Lupin) oh mhy mer l infs what a pedoa where is did ther egihoeog

**Lupin:** Back in the box. _Incendio_.

**Dementor:** noo sttoppp falmin mei

**Scene 9:**

[Crabbe and Goyle are reading Draco's letter.]

**Goyle:** (s) You know what this means.

**Crabbe:** (solemn nod) I know.

**Together:** (whispering) Relapse.

[Dramatic music]

**END OF EPISODE SIX**


	7. Episode Seven

**Woeful Wizards Prisoner of Azkaban Episode Seven**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry and Ron are chatting. Hermione is hovering in the background]

**Ron:** And then I was all like but you're a spider and then the spider was all like…

**Harry:** As much as I enjoy hearing about your dream, Ron, (s) my mind is elsewhere.

**Ron:** (puts hand on Harry's shoulder consolingly) It's the Firebolt, isn't it?

**Harry:** Yes. (s) If it wasn't for that chubby fugly girl we would be soaring the skies together.

**Ron:** (confused) Who?

**Harry:** (s) No one is allowed to utter the skank's name.

**Ron:** Oh. (pause) What's an animagus?

[McGonagall walks in carrying the Firebolt]

**McGonagall:** Here you go, Potter.

[McGonagall hands Harry the broom]

**Harry:** But is it (s) safe?

**McGonagall:** (shrugs) Beats me. Good luck with Sirius Brown.

**Harry:** Black.

**McGonagall:** (shrugs) Whatever.

[McGonagall leaves]

**Harry:** (falls to the floor and starts sobbing, clutching the broom) This is the best moment of my life, only marred by that lump of lard in the corner.

[Hermione runs out, crying and clutching Crookshanks]

**Ron:** (s) Maybe we should forgive Hermione.

**Harry:** (stands up and shouts) I TOLD YOU NEVER TO SPEAK THAT NAME IN MY PRESENCE.

[Harry hits Ron over the head with a chair. Ron falls to the floor, unconscious]

**Harry:** What do I do now? (s) I'm going to fly my Firebolt!

[Harry rushes out. Ron moans faintly. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Crabbe is pushing a wheelchair-bound Draco around. Goyle is walking along side]

**Crabbe:** And this is the tree where we (s) first met.

**Goyle:** Is it?

**Crabbe:** (s) Shh…

**Draco:** (s) Stop.

[Crabbe stops]

**Goyle:** (s) What is it?

**Draco:** I have (s) something to say. I want to thank you.

**Crabbe:** (tearing up) Really?

**Draco:** (s) Yes. Without you guys, I would have never overcome my shopping addiction.

[Awkward pause. Goyle shifts his weight and Crabbe stares at his feet.]

**Goyle:** Yes…

**Draco:** Good. Vincent, pass me that apple.

**Crabbe:** (hesitates) Draco, don't you think you've had enough?

**Draco:** (s and icily) What?

**Goyle:** You've already had (s) five today, and it's barely nine o'clock.

**Draco:** (s) I'll let you know when I've had enough.

[Draco stands up shakily]

**Crabbe:** No, Draco! (s) You might hurt yourself!

**Draco:** (s) More than my hurt dignity?

[Draco stalks off. Crabbe looks like he might start crying. Goyle shakes his head.]

**Scene 3:**

[Ron is coming to in the Gryffindor common room. Harry is staring at his Firebolt.]

**Ron:** What… what (s) happened?

**Harry:** (s to Ron) Do not interrupt my vigil! (continues to stare at the Firebolt)

**Ron:** (looks around) Where's Scabbers?

**Harry:** (whispers) Such a thing of beauty.

**Ron:** (s and shouts) WHERE'S SCABBERS?

**Harry:** (still whispering) I want to make love to it.

[Hermione walks in, carrying Crookshanks]

**Ron:** (s and points to Hermione, shouting still) YOU HEARTLESS WENCH! YOU AND THAT FOUL DEMON OF AN ANIMAL PLOTTED AGAINST MY NOBLE RAT IN ORDER TO REACH THE TOP OF THE PET HEIRACHY!

**Hermione:** (s) What are you talking about?

**Ron:** You know I know that you know.

**Hermione:** (hisses) How dare you accuse my cat of such a hideous crime.

**Ron:** (s) Your cat's fat.

**Hermione:** (shocked and looks hurt) Take that back!

**Ron:** (s) Never.

**Hermione:** Fine. (s) I take my friendship back!

[Hermione stalks out, clutching Crookshanks. Ron looks angry.]

**Harry:** I shall write you a song, (s) Firebolt.

**Scene 4:**

[Draco is staring moodily out the window. Crabbe and Goyle approach]

**Crabbe:** (s) Draco? Are you… feeling better?

**Draco:** No.

**Goyle:** We've got something to (s) cheer you up.

**Draco:** I don't care.

**Goyle:** It involves (s) Potter.

**Draco:** (spins around) Oh?

**Crabbe:** You know how Potter faints every time he sees a (s) Dementor?

**Draco:** …yeah…

**Goyle:** What if we (leans in to whisper into Draco's ear and his words become inaudible)

**Draco:** (s) Brilliant. But how are we going to get the dresses?

**Crabbe:** I've got them.

[Draco and Goyle turn to face Crabbe and stare at him]

**Crabbe:** What? They're flattering.

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 5:**

[Harry struts onto the Quidditch match, Firebolt in hand. The rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team stare at him in awe]

**George:** Wowza! That's some broom!

**Fred:** I bet it'll take you to the moon!

**Harry:** (s) Why thank you.

[Wood claps his hands, and the team walks to the centre of the pitch where Ravenclaw are standing.]

**Hooch:** (bored) Shake hands.

[They shake hands. Harry shakes hand with a girl dressed quite provocatively.]

**Harry:** (whispers to the twins) Who is (s) _that_?

**George:** Last name Chang, first name Cho.

**Fred:** She's a bit of a hoe.

[Hooch blows the whistle. The teams start "flying" around.]

**Harry:** I feel so (s) happy. Maybe it's because of the disappearance of the ugly one.

[The Snitch comes into view]

**Harry:** Aha!

[Harry chases after the Snitch. He is joined by Cho]

**Cho:** Oh no, my bra!

**Harry:** (spins around) What?

**Cho:** Adios!

[Cho zooms past Harry, who is still looking confused.]

**Wood:** (shouting) HARRY! THIS IS NO TIME TO BE A GENTLEMAN!

**Harry:** (s) Two can play at this game. (zooms up next to Cho) Oh no, my bra!

**Cho:** (s around) WHAT?

**Harry:** Adios!

[Harry zooms past Cho, who is sitting still on her broom in confusion]

**Harry:** (s) The Snitch is right there. (reaches out to grab it)

[Draco and the gang pop out of nowhere, dressed up as goffs]

**Draco:** (reading a script) Oh my God it iz Vamp-vamp pyre.

**Goyle:** Let us mack oot. No wait, I mean out.

**Crabbe:** Yeah, wampire, I wood lave two- Christ, who wrote this?

**Harry:** EXPECTO PATRONUM!

[Flames shoot out of Harry's wand]

**Draco:** (s) Shite! People are flaming us!

[Draco and the gang fall to the ground, on fire]

**Harry:** (catches Snitch) YES!

**Jordan:** GRYFFINDOR WINS!

**George:** WE'LL WIN THE CUP!

**Fred:** (points to Draco and the gang) FILCH! CLEAN THIS UP!

[Triumphant music]

**Scene 6:**

[Draco and the gang are sitting in McGonagall's office. McGonagall bursts in, obviously drunk]

**McGonagall:** BOYSH! What are you (points at them) doin' here, shillies?

**Draco:** We are here to be (s) punished.

**McGonagall:** Right (hiccups) Right. Well, (sways) go, go clean up that puke that'sh myshetrioushly ended up outshide my offishe.

**Crabbe: **(s) But, miss…

**McGonagall:** (points at door) NOW!

**Goyle:** (s) …okay.

[Draco and the gang troop out. McGonagall passes out]

**Scene 7:**

[Harry is in his bed, curled up next to his Firebolt]

**Harry:** (singing) Far above, enthroned in glory…

[Ron screams off screen]

**Harry:** (sits up suddenly and rips open the curtains)What is it (s) Ron?

**Ron:** (s) Sirius Black! He ripped my curtains!

**Harry:** (s) You poor thing.

[Harry goes to console Ron, who is now weeping uncontrollably. Dramatic music]

**END OF EPISODE SEVEN**


	8. Episode Eight

**Woeful Wizards Prisoner of Azkaban Episode Eight**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry and Ron are having tea with Hagrid]

**Ron**: How are you (s) feeling, Hagrid?

**Hagrid**: I dare say that I have felt better.

**Harry:** Yeah. (s) Listen, Hagrid, how's Buckbeak going?

**Hagrid:** Methinks that he is not yet aware of his doomed fate, so I implore you not to make him aware.

**Harry:** Right, right.

[They all take an awkward sip of tea]

**Hagrid:** Lend me your ears.

[Harry and Ron lean forward.]

**Hagrid:** Hermione has often come to my hut to assist me in the quest to find a pardon for Buckbeak. She is awfully upset that you have excluded her from your various gatherings.

**Ron:** (s and angrily) Her cat ate my rat!

**Hagrid:** That may be so, but the cat acted as all cats are inclined to act. You cannot, and will not blame Hermione for that.

**Ron:** (taken aback) Oh.

**Hagrid:** And Harry, stop calling her fat.

**Harry:** (frowns) … okay.

[Triumphant music]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are sitting sulkily around the Slytherin dormitories]

**Draco:** (s) Well that was a waste of time.

**Goyle:** Really? (s) It was fun while it lasted.

**Crabbe:** (happily) Yeah, being a woman is fun.

**Draco:** But what did we (s) earn from it?

**Goyle:** Detention?

**Draco:** (sneeringly) And circle gets the square.

**Crabbe:** You're awful (s) tense, Draco. You know what'll cheer you up?

**Draco:** (frowning in a confused way) Drugs?

**Crabbe:** NO! (s) SHOPPING!

[Crabbe skips off]

**Draco:** What? (s) But I…

**Goyle:** Hush. Let's (s) indulge him.

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 3:**

[At breakfast in the Great Hall. Harry and Ron are sitting together. Hermione is off to the side.]

**Harry:** But it definitely is faster than any other broom.

[Ron says nothing]

**Harry:** Ron? RON!

**Ron:** Sorry. (s) It's just, she keeps on looking at us so.

**Harry:** (icily) She's no business of ours, Ron.

**Ron:** I suppose… (s) But what about what Hagrid said?

**Harry:** (s) Do you doubt my word?

**Ron:** (immeadiately) Never.

**Harry:** (s)… good.

[They each eat their food without breaking eye contact with each other.]

**Scene 4:**

[Harry and Ron are just outside the Shrieking Shack. Harry is "invisible".]

**Ron:** (whistles) Wow.

**Harry:** I wonder if it's (s) locked?

**Ron:** What's an animagus?

[Draco and the gang come in, evidently just after some hardcore shopping]

**Draco:** You were right (s) Crabbe. I do feel better.

**Goyle: **Hey, (points to Ron) look who's here.

**Draco:** Great. (rubs hands together and s) Some entertainment.

[Ron turns around and notices Draco.]

**Ron:** (s) Malfoy.

**Draco:** (s) Weasley.

**Harry:** (to himself) How dare he insult my friend like that!

[Harry goes off screen momentarily]

**Crabbe:** Oi, Draco.

**Draco:** (s) What?

**Crabbe:** Good one.

[Draco blushes and Harry reappears carrying a sword.]

**Draco:** (turns to Ron) As I was saying, you are-

**Harry:** (booming voice) YOU SHALL NO LONGER SULLY THE GINGER'S HONOUR!

[Harry ensues to attack Draco and the gang. Goyle and then Crabbe fall, each spurting a great deal of blood]

**Draco:** (s) Show yourself, fiend!

[Draco lunges, just misses Harry and accidentally pulls off the cloak.]

**Harry:** Oh no! (Raises hands to face) My identity has been revealed!

**Draco:** (looking up at Harry) Harry?

**Harry:** (s) I must flee!

[Harry flees. Crabbe and Goyle both apparently continue to die. Ron hesitates, then runs away as well. Draco collapses into sobs. Dramatic music]

**Scene 5:**

[Hermione is in the library, reading a book at a table. Neville comes up to her.]

**Neville:** 'sup.

**Hermione:** (glares at Neville) OH MY MERLIN NEVILLE. CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?

**Neville:** (shrugs and takes out a cigarette) Eh.

**Hermione:** FINE. (Shuts book with a slam and gets up) HERE'S MY VAMPIRE ESSAY. (Drops a piece of paper on the desk) NOW GO AWAY.

[Hermione stalks off.]

**Neville:** (Looks at completed essay) Sweet. (Starts smoking.)

**Scene 6:**

[Harry is in Snape's office. Snape is standing there, looking bored.]

**Snape:** So, Malfoy said he saw you at Hogsmeade.

**Harry:** (s) I DENY IT!

**Snape:** Malfoy also says that you have slaughtered his friends.

**Harry:** (s) I DENY IT!

**Snape:** You're so like your father.

**Harry:** (looks shocked and then angry) How dare you…

**Snape:** But where did you get the Zonko's products?

[Ron bursts in. Applause.]

**Ron:** (s) I got them for him!

**Snape:** Huh. But what about this? (Holds up the Marauder's Map.)

**Harry:** (shrugs) How am I supposed to know?

**Snape:** (points wand at Map) Reveal your secrets!

[Close up to Map. On it says; "You smell".]

**Snape:** Why, I never! (shouts) LUPIN!

**Lupin:** (offscreen) WHAT?

**Snape:** COME HERE.

**Lupin:** (offscreen) OKAY. (Lupin enters after a pause) Yes, Snape?

**Snape:** (holding up Map) What is this?

**Lupin:** (stares at it for a moment, then snatches it from Snape) I don't know, but it's mine now.

**Snape:** (shrugs) Fine.

[Snape exits]

**Harry:** (s) Wow.

**Ron:** That was so (s) intense.

**Lupin:** Harry. Come here. Ginger, leave.

[Ron exits]

**Lupin:** Listen, Harry, be careful. This is a dangerous piece of parchment. Sirius Black might get it.

**Harry:** Who?

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 6:**

[Draco is in the hospital wing, staring at both Crabbe and Goyle's sleeping figures. Note: They are obviously breathing]

**Draco:** (sobbing) I can't believe my two best friends in the whole world are dead.

[Pomfrey walks in]

**Pomfrey:** (points at Crabbe and Goyle) THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY ALIVE.

[Pomfrey walks off.]

**Crabbe:** (stirring) Draco?

**Draco:** (rushes forward to hold Crabbe's hand) Yes?

**Crabbe:** I… I just want you to (weak s) know…

**Draco:** (crying) What?

**Crabbe:** If I go the chance to do it over, I would have done it again. All the mess ups, everything.

**Draco:** (As Crabbe starts to fall asleep again and crying) So would I, Vincent, so would I.

**Scene 7:**

[Harry and Ron are walking down a corridor]

**Harry:** And it's even more comfortable than my old broom.

[Hermione rushes up to them.]

**Harry:** (s) What is it, chubby?

**Hermione:** (crying) It's… it's…

**Ron:** (worried) Sirius Black?

**Harry:** (equally as worried) Draco?

**Hermione:** No, it's Buckbeak. (s) He's been sentenced to death.

[Hermione bursts into more tears and flings her arms around Ron]

**Hermione:** I'm so sorry about Scabbers.

**Ron:** That's… that's okay. (awkwardly strokes Hermione's back)

**Harry:** (s) Wow. (Pause in which all can be heard is Hermione's sobbing) I'm going to leave.

[Harry goes away. Ron continues to hold a now inconsolable Hermione. Dramatic music]

**END OF EPISODE EIGHT**


	9. Episode Nine

**Woeful Wizards Prisoner of Azkaban Episode Nine**

**Scene 1:**

[Draco and the gang are sitting gloomily. Peeves comes in.]

**Peeves:** (mopily) Copycats.

**Draco:** (s) I'm no need for your mischievous revelry! I BANISH THEE DEMON!

[Peeves floats out the door, crying.]

**Draco:** We are (s) defeated.

**Crabbe:** Why don't we (s) play something?

**Draco:** (s) Good idea, Crabbe!

[Crabbe stares adoringly at Draco]

**Goyle:** (s) That's not a good idea, Draco.

**Draco:** (icily) You doubt my opinion, commoner?

**Goyle:** No. The Patronus… it… it….

**Crabbe:** (concerned) What is it?

**Goyle:** (s) It burned my hand off.

[Goyle lifts his arm and reveals the blackened stump which is his hand. Crabbe and Draco scream. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Harry and Ron are sitting in the Divination classroom, getting ready to begin class]

**Ron:** Hermione seemed awful mad about missing Charms.

**Harry:** I'm sure it'll just blow over.

[Pause.]

**Ron:** Harry, we've been friends a long time.

**Harry:** (s) The longest.

**Ron:** Then you (s) know?

**Harry:** (s) Always.

[Hermione storms in, looking like hell itself.]

**Lavender:** Oh hey, Her-

**Hermione:** (spins to face her) _PETRIFICUS TOTALUS_!

[Lavender slumps in her seat. Hermione sits next to Harry and Ron, obviously still mad.]

**Ron:** (whispers to Harry) Well, she's still mad.

**Harry:** (whispers back) Obviously.

[Trelawney enters, stumbling a little.]

**Trelawney:** The, uh, the balls. (Points) There. Go, go, stare into them.

[Trelawney falls back into her armchair.]

**Hermione:** (s) Oh, that is it. (stands up) I'm leaving.

**Trelawney:** (stirs) Huh?

**Hermione:** (furious s) HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME LIKE THAT. IT IS ONE THING TO CLAIM TO SEE INTO THE FUTURE BUT IT IS QUITE ANOTHER TO ACCUSE YOUR STUDENT OF LACKING IN ANY SKILL IN DIVINATION AND CALLING HER "MUNDANE". I DON'T NEED YOU, I HAVE A TIME TURNER!

[Hermione stomps out of the classroom, slamming the door behind her. There is a stunned silence, broken only be the snores of Trelawney, who fell asleep in her armchair.]

**Ron:** (to Harry) What did she say she had?

**Harry:** (frowning) I think she said she needed the toilet.

**Ron:** Ah. (s) So, tonight?

**Harry:** (s) … tonight.

**Scene 3:**

[Draco and the gang are still sitting. Draco and Crabbe are still staring at Goyle's missing hand, a look of horror on their faces.]

**Crabbe:** (s) Why didn't you tell us?

**Goyle:** I… I thought you knew.

**Draco:** (s) But how could we know?

**Goyle:** (looks confused) I'm not sure.

**Crabbe:** (s) We've got to get you to Pomfrey!

**Goyle:** Why?

**Crabbe:** (s) Because I don't think that Patronus charm just hurt your hand.

**Draco:** (gasps) You mean?

**Crabbe:** Yes. (s) I think it hurt your head as well.

[Dramatic music]

**Goyle:** (shrugs) Fine, whatever.

**Scene 4:**

[It is midnight. Harry and Ron face each other in a darkened room lit only by candles that are placed everywhere.]

**Ron:** (s) Are you sure you're ready, Harry?

**Harry:** (gazes into Ron's eyes) I was born ready.

**Ron:** (gulps) Here we go.

[Ron takes out his wand, and so does Harry.]

**Harry and Ron:** (together)

_There are some things in the world_

_That just never grow old_

_Love is one and so is hope_

_But also the urge to mope_

_And the one that can never be missed_

_Is the one, the only, the epic Bro Fist._

[Thus, Harry and Ron bro fist and it cemented their friendship forever. It was awesome.]

**Scene 5:**

[Goyle is sitting on a hospital bed. He looks confused. Crabbe and Draco are on each side of the bed. Pomfrey comes in.]

**Pomfrey:** Yes?

**Draco:** Our (s) friend, is he-

**Pomfrey:** (bored) He's alive.

**Crabbe:** But can you change him back to (s) normal?

**Pomfrey:** (frowns) This is normal.

**Draco:** (s) And his hand?

**Pomfrey:** I fixed that a week ago. In fact, I have no idea why any of you are here. Get out.

**Crabbe:** (turns to Draco) What are we-

**Pomfrey:** I SAID OUT!

[Draco and the gang get up and hightail it to the door. Pomfrey rolls her eyes and starts to make the bed.]

**Scene 6:**

[Harry is on the Quidditch pitch with the rest of the Gryffindor team. The Slytherin team are in the background, including Draco.]

**Harry:** (s) Let's do this.

**Wood:** Now, now, are we all ready?

**George:** Well, we're ready to do some beating.

**Fred:** This pitch definitely needs some heating.

**Wood:** Right. (Turns to face the Slytherin team) Here we go.

[Madam Hooch blows her whistle. Everyone starts "flying" around.]

**Harry:** Is that… the Snitch?

[Harry squints into the distance and does not see Draco sneaking up behind him.]

**Draco:** (In Harry's ear) Hey, Potter.

**Harry:** ARGH! (He pushes Draco away)

**Draco:** I (s) bet you wish you chose me over Weasley, Potter.

**Harry:** (s) No. Me and Ron actually had a little ceremony last night, Malfoy.

**Draco:** (looks astonished) Did you? You couldn't have!

**Harry:** (sees the Snitch) Aha! I see the Snitch.

[Harry lunges for the Snitch, but Draco grabs his broom.]

**Draco:** (s) What? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

[Hooch blows her whistle.]

**Hooch:** Penalty for Gryffindor.

[Harry sticks his tongue out at Draco, who is still look shocked.]

**Harry:** (zooming off) What happened between me and Ron is a private matter. Wait, has he seen it?

[Draco is "flying" towards the Snitch. Harry joins him.]

**Harry:** (to himself) It's no use. Unless… (to Draco) Hey, Malfoy.

**Draco:** (still reaching for the Snitch) What?

**Harry:** Boobs.

**Draco:** (spins around) What? Where?

[Harry zips past him and grabs the Snitch.]

**Harry:** (dismounting and falls to knees) WE WON!

**George:** WE'VE WON! WE'VE WON!

**Fred:** HARRY! YOU'RE NUMBER ONE!

**Wood:** (sobbing and embraces Harry) You were so good out there, little guy.

[Hermione and Ron appear out of nowhere, and they also hug Harry and then collapse on the ground in a heap.]

**Harry:** (through tears) This is the best moment of my young life!

[Triumphant music]

**Scene 7:**

[Harry and Ron are sitting in the Gryffindor common room, staring at the Cup. Hermione walks in.]

**Hermione:** (whistles) Looks good in here.

**Harry:** (s) I know.

**Hermione:** (starts to cry) There's something I have to tell you guys.

**Ron:** (s) What is it?

**Hermione:** It's (s) Buckbeak's execution date.

**Harry:** (s) When is it?

**Hermione:** (s) The last day of exams.

[Dramatic music]

**Ron:** What's an animagus?

**END OF EPISODE NINE**


	10. Episode Ten

**Woeful Wizards Prisoner of Azkaban Episode Ten**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry is in the middle of his Divination exam. He is staring into a crystal ball. Trelawney is sleeping beside him.]

**Harry:** And I see, uh, Buckbeak-

[Trelawney snores loudly]

**Harry:** (s) No, he's alive.

[Trelawney rolls over and falls onto the floor]

**Harry:** (stands up) You have sullied my honour for too long. (turns to leave) Good day.

**Trelawney:** (s) Wait!

**Harry:** I can't I- did you just (s) swivel?

**Trelawney:** _The Dark Lord lies alone and friendless, abandoned by his followers. His servant has been chained these twelve years. Tonight, before midnight, the servant will break free and set out to rejoin his master. The Dark Lord will rise again with his servant's aid, greater and more terrible than ever before. Tonight… before midnight… the servant… will set out… to rejoin his master…_

[Trelawney falls back asleep. Dramatic music.]

**Harry:** (eyes bright with unshed tears and whispers) I think I understand now, Professor.

[Harry leaves. Sad music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are sitting at the Slytherin table in the Great Hall.]

**Draco:** I think it would be good if you went for a (s) walk, Gregory.

**Goyle:** I suppose. But I am feeling quite-

**Crabbe:** Shh! It's starting.

[Dumbledore sways in.]

**Dumbledore:** I think we all (s) know what this is about. (shouts) WHAT TIME IS IT?

**All students:** RANDOM ANNUAL FASHION SHOW TIME!

[Theme music]

**Dumbledore:** That's right! (s) This year, there's been a change of the (dance move) rules.

[All students look around, confused.]

**Dumbledore:** I'm going to (s) choose one of you… randomly.

[All students gasp.]

**Dumbledore:** I choose… (s) you! (Points at Draco).

**Draco:** (crying) OH MY MERLIN, I CANNOT EVEN. THIS IS THE BEST DAY-

[Fudge comes in.]

**Fudge:** Albus, we've got to go kill that helpless animal now.

**Dumbledore:** Is that today?

[Fudge rolls his eyes and points to his watch.]

**Dumbledore:** Right. (Points dramatically) Alas, I must leave you (s) cherubs.

[Dumbledore flaps out. Fudge follows. Draco looks furious.]

**Draco:** (angrily) That filthy animal's going to get it. (s) And Buckbeak.

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 3:**

[Harry and the gang are rushing towards Hagrid's Hut.]

**Ron:** (furiously) Why do we have to go, Harry?

**Hermione:** (frustrated) Because Hagrid's our friend, (s) Ron!

**Ron:** I was asking Harry, (s) Hermione.

**Hermione:** (angrily) You, Ron are such a f-

[Draco and the gang pop out of nowhere.]

**Draco:** (s) What are you-

**Hermione:** EAURGH!

[Hermione punches Draco in the face. He collapses to the ground and Crabbe and Goyle carry the unconscious Draco away, shooting dirty glances at Harry and the gang.]

**Ron:** Wow. That was so (s) beautiful, Hermione.

[Hermione and Ron stare at each other.]

**Harry:** Sorry, kind of zoned out there. What happened?

**Hermione:** (tears her eyes away) Don't worry about it, Harry. (s) Let's go!

[They go inside Hagrid's Hut to find Hagrid sitting at his table, looking depressed.]

**Hagrid:** Oh, salutations. It is such a dreary day, isn't it?

**Harry:** Hagrid, are you (s) okay?

**Hagrid:** (bursts into tears) HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND!

[Hagrid puts his head on the table.]

**Ron:** (pats Hagrid's back) There, there…

**Hagrid:** (head still on the table) My eternal gratitude, Ronald. Your rat is right here. (Hands rat to Ron.) You are, after all, Harry's best- (Puts head up) Harry. What are you doing here, Harry?

**Harry:** (s) Don't worry, Hagrid. I am here in your time of (s) need.

**Hagrid:** Harry, do you really believe that it is a delightful suggestion to go gallivanting around the grounds when the notorious mass murderer Sirius Black is on the loose?

**Harry:** Who's Sirius Black?

**Ron:** What's an animagus?

**Hagrid:** (Pause) What has that-

**Hermione's voice:** (offscreen, yet Hermione is plainly on screen) GET OUT OF THERE YOU NITWITS!

**Hagrid:** I must say what a delightful offer, Hermione.

**Hermione:** (s) But I didn't-

[Hagrid pushes them outside.]

**Harry:** Well…

**Hermione:** (s) What are we going to do now, Harry?

**Harry:** (pause) Let's rescue Buckbeak!

[Dramatic music]

**Ron:** No! (s) Scabbers has (s) escaped!

**Harry:** (s and point) There he is!

[They run after him.]

**Scene 4:**

[Draco is lying on his bed in the Slytherin dormitories. Crabbe and Goyle are sitting beside him.]

**Crabbe:** (s) How are you feeling, Draco?

**Draco:** I feel (weak s)-

**Goyle:** (s) Horrid?

**Draco:** No I-

**Scene 5:**

[Harry and Hermione are outside the Weeping Willow. Rons screams can be heard coming from underneath it.]

**Harry:** (s) C'mon, Hermione!

**Hermione:** (s) WAIT!

**Harry:** (spins around angrily) How dare you command me.

**Hermione:** I'm just thinking… Crookshanks or no Crookshanks?

**Harry:** What are you talking about?

**Hermione:** Never mind. (s) Let's burn this down.

[Shot of Harry and Hermione laughing with delight as they set the Whomping Willow on fire. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[Return to Draco and the gang in the dorms.]

**Crabbe:** What just (s) happened?

**Goyle:** That was (s) weird.

**Draco:** Any way, I was-

**Scene 7:**

[In the Shrieking Shack. Harry and Hermione are standing over Ron, whose leg is bitten off.]

**Hermione:** (s) Holy newt eyes!

**Harry:** (s) Who did this to you, Ron?

**Ron:** (blubbering) Sirius Black!

[Hermione gasps. Harry looks confused]

**Harry:** Who?

**Sirius:** (steps out of the shadows and s) Me.

[Dramatic music]

**Harry:** (s) You!

**Lupin:** (enters and s) Me!

**Hermione:** (s) You!

**Ron:** (shouts angrily) MY FREAKING LEG IS CHEWED OFF.

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 8:**

[Back to the Slytherin dorms. Draco is sitting on his bed, arms crossed. Crabbe and Goyle both look confused.]

**Crabbe:** (s) What-

**Scene 9:**

[Back to the Shrieking Shack. Snape is in the corner, being "invisible".]

**Sirius:** (s) Harry, I did not kill your father. (s) Your friends' rat did. (s) And now, I SHALL AVENGE HIM!

**Harry:** I (s) believe you.

**Hermione:** (disbelieving) HARRY!

**Harry:** (spins to face Hermione) There's something so likable about him. (s) But how?

**Lupin:** Just trust us, (s) Harry. I have proof.

[Harry nods to himself. Hermione looks furious.]

**Hermione:** Why should we trust (s) _you_? You're a (s) WERE WOLF.

**Lupin:** It's true. I've been hiding that part from for a (s) while now.

**Harry:** (puts hand on Lupins shoulder) It's okay. I (s) understand.

**Sirius:** (s) Harry-

**Harry:** (s) Yes?

**Sirius:** I am your (ULTIMATE SWIVEL) father's best friend.

**Harry:** (s) FATHER! (Harry rushes forward and hugs Sirius)

**Snape:** (pulls of cloak) Stop right there, Potter.

[Dramatic music.]

**TO BE CONTINUED… ?**


	11. Episode Ten Part Two

**Woeful Wizards Prisoner of Azkaban Episode Ten Part Two**

**Movie Length**

**Opening Montage:**

**Voice Over:** [Pictures of the cast either laughing or frowning] A lot has happened in last night's episode. But who will uncover that dastardly secret: what an animagus is.

**Scene 1:**

[In the Shrieking Shack. Snape is looking at Lupin and Sirius, who are currently embracing each other whilst staring at Harry and the gang, who are staring aghast at Snape.]

**Ron:** (s) What's an animagus?

**Sirius:** (s) I am.

**Ron:** Right.

**Snape:** Now, I am at the stage in which I am about to proceed upon in which I am about to ready myself to prepare myself to be ready to uphand a culprit whose name I am yet to mention but rest assured when I mention it will be-

**Lupin:** _Petrificus Totalus_!

[Snape falls over.]

**Sirius:** Still got the (s) reflexes of youth, I see.

**Lupin:** (spins to Sirius and whispers) … always.

**Ron:** I still don't… understand.

**Hermione:** (s) What's not to understand, Ron? Sirius Black is Harry's godfather and a dog, Lupin is a werewolf, and your rat is actually Peter Pettigrew.

**Ron:** … right.

**Harry:** Sirius, (s) aren't you going to kill Peter now?

**Sirius:** (s) Good point, Harry!

[Harry blushes.]

**Sirius:** Lupin, grab that (s) rat!

[Lupin grabs the rat.]

**Sirius:** (puts wand to the rat's chest.) Prepare to die, Pete…

**Harry:** (s) NO!

**Sirius:** (drops wand) WHAT?

**Harry:** (turns away to hide his tears of emotion) My father would've wanted (spins back) me to do it.

**Lupin:** I don't think…

**Sirius:** (s) I feel like a moonlit stroll.

**Harry:** Me too.

**Hermione:** I second that.

**Ron:** (shrugs) I'm going to lose my leg anyway.

**Lupin:** (Pauses.) As long as I get to go first.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are sitting in a classroom, with the rest of the Slytherin students.]

**Crabbe:** Where's Professor Lupin?

**Goyle:** Where's Professor Snape?

**Draco:** (s) Why are we here at night?

**Scene 3:**

[Lupin, Sirius, Snape, Peter Pettigrew, Harry and the gang are taking a moonlit stroll.]

**Harry:** (s) What a good idea, Sirius.

**Sirius:** Why, thank you Harry. I- (s) Peter, you're a man!.

**Peter:** And now I'm gone!

[Peter runs off, laughing.]

**Ron:** Snape, (s) you're conscious!

**Snape:** And now you're all under arrest!

**Hermione:** Lupin, (s) you're transforming!

**Lupin:** (howls) AROOOOOO!

**Sirius:** Not again, man.

**Snape:** (s) The children!

**Lupin:** JE DETESTE LES INFANTS!

**Ron:** What's he (s) doing?

**Hermione:** He's speaking (s) werewolf.

**Lupin:** JE SUIS UN PHANTOM.

**Hermione (off-screen):** MOI AUSSI!

**Lupin:** Pardon?

**Hermione (off-screen):** MOI AUSSI!

**Lupin:** JE VAIS!

[Lupin gallops off.]

**Sirius:** (clutching chest) My heart!

[Sirius runs off.]

**Snape:** (s) Finally, I-

**Ron:** _Avada Kedavra_!

[Ron's spell misses Snape, hits a tree and a branch falls off and hits Snape, who is knocked out.]

**Hermione:** (s) Good one!

**Harry:** [Grabs Hermione's hand] Come on, Hermione, we've got to save Sirius!

**Ron:** What about (s) me?

**Harry:** Can it, invalid.

[Harry flicks his wand and Ron collapses to the ground.]

**Harry:** (s) Let's go save Sirius.

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 4:**

[Draco and the gang are sitting around, twiddling their thumbs.]

**Crabbe:** So… what do you want to do?

**Goyle:** Dunno.

**Draco:** Let's play (s) Scrabble.

**Crabbe and Goyle:** (together) … okay.

**Scene 5:**

[Harry and Hermione are almost upon Sirius, who is kneeling in front of a lake.]

**Harry:** (rushes up) Sirius, are you (s) okay?

**Sirius:** They're (s) coming.

**Harry:** Who, (s) WHO?

[Sirius faints]

**Harry:** What's going on? (s) What's happening? Sirius? SIRIUS?

**Hermione:** Harry…

**Harry:** (spins to face Hermione) What?

[Hermione raises a trembling arm. She points to about thirty goffs all lined up.]

**Hermione:** (raises arm to forehead) I can't.

[Hermione faints.]

**Harry:** Expecto- expecto…

[Harry falls to his knees.]

**Harry:** Too… many.

**Dementors:** (altogether) oh ahi der vampiuyre yu lok qruit sexcty

**Harry:** Good… bye… cruel… world…

**Harry (off-screen):** EXPECTO PATRONUM!

**Harry:** Wait… to…. Go… Dad…

[Harry faints. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[Draco and the gang are playing Scrabble.]

**Draco:** 1, 2, 4- that's sixteen for me.

[Pansy bursts in.]

**Crabbe:** (s) You okay?

**Pansy:** They're caught him! They've caught (s) Sirius Black!

**Goyle:** (s) What?

**Pansy:** Yeah, he's just got out of the hospital wing. And guess who else is in there? That Granger kid and Potter, as well as-

**Draco:** (s) NO!

[Draco sprints out of the room. Crabbe, Goyle and Pansy all exchange glances, shrug and run after him.]

**Scene 7:**

[Harry and Hermione are in the hospital wing. Dumbledore is talking with them. Ron is on the bed, unconscious.]

**Dumbledore:** You know what you have to (s) do, Miss Granger. Or would you like me to (hand movement) interpretive dance it out for you?

**Hermione:** (seriously) That won't be necessary.

**Harry:** Maybe some (s) other time, Professor.

**Dumbledore:** I would (s) like that. It is 12:03, and I am locking the doors at (s) 12:04.

[Dumbldore walks out and shuts the doors.]

**Harry:** Well, I understood none of that.

**Hermione:** (s) Shut up and wear this necklace with me.

**Harry:** Oh, it's not really my colour.

**Hermione:** (rolls eyes and puts the Time-Turner around the both of them.) Hush. You see, I can (ULTIMATE SWIVEL) travel in time.

**Harry:** Where's your big blue box then?

**Hermione:** (fiddling with the Time Turner) What did you say?

**Harry:** Never mind.

**Hermione:** And… (turns Time Turner) we're (s) back in time.

**Harry:** Why is everything (s) black and white?

[For indeed it is.]

**Hermione:** (s) Because it's the past! Now let's go save Ron- I mean Sirius!

**Harry:** (s) Right then!

[They rush off to Hagrid's Hut and hide behind it.]

**Harry:** Hey, Hermione, you know what would be really funny?

**Hermione:** (distracted) No, what?

**Harry:** If we (giggles) steal Buckbeak!

**Hermione:** (s) What?

**Harry:** Come on!

[They steal Buckbeak.]

**Hermione:** That was (s) easy.

**Harry:** Told ya.

**Hermione:** Here comes Fudge and Dumbledore… (s) Why aren't we leaving?

**Harry:** (s) Because you told us to.

**Hermione:** Huh? Oh, right. (shouts) GET OUT OF THERE, YOU NITWITS.

[Past Harry, Hermione and Ron troop out of Hagrid's Hut.]

**Harry:** What do we do (s) now?

**Hermione:** Now, we (s) wait.

[Dramatic music]

**Scene 8:**

[Draco and the gang are sitting in a classroom, with the rest of the Slytherin students.]

**Crabbe:** Where's Professor Lupin?

**Goyle:** Where's Professor Snape?

**Draco:** (s) Why are we here at night? Woah, déjà vu.

**Crabbe:** (s) Me too.

**Goyle:** Weird…

**Scene 9:**

[Harry and Hermione are sitting together, playing tic-tac-toe. Buckbeak is being Buckbeak.]

**Hermione:** (s) I win again!

**Harry:** (throws paper on the ground) I don't want to play anymore. (He pouts and crosses his arms.)

**Lupin (off-screen):** AROOOOO!

**Harry:** (s) What was that?

**Hermione:** Crap.

**Lupin (off-screen):** JE DETESTE LES INFANTS!

**Hermione:** (to herself) Hang on… (shouts) MOI AUSSI!

**Lupin (off-screen):** Pardon?

**Hermione:** (shouts) MOI AUSSI!

**Harry:** (hits Hermione over the head) You idiot! Now he's (s) coming this way.

**Hermione:** … right.

[Harry, Hermione and Buckbeak start running away.]

**Harry:** WAIT! (s) Why aren't we riding Buckbeak?

**Hermione:** Yeah, Lupin'll probably catch us on foot.

[They climb upon Buckbeak and ride away, landing just beside the lake where Sirius, Harry and Hermione are being attacked by Dementors. They hide behind ]

**Harry:** Yes! Hermione, (s) I get to see my dead dad!

**Hermione:** What are you (s) talking about?

**Harry:** No, wait (s) I am my dad.

**Hermione:** (s) WHAT?

**Harry:** (steps out of the bushes) _EXPECTO PATRONUM_!

[All the Dementor's burst into flames. The flames take the form of a stag.]

**Dementors:** (in unison) STOPS FLAIMG MEII UE R ALL PREPZ MIIFS SAT IN

[They all disappear.]

**Harry:** (falls to his knees) VICTORY IS ASSURED!

**Hermione:** Harry… Sirius.

**Harry:** … right.

[They hop back on Buckbeak and fly away. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 10:**

[Draco and the gang are sitting around, twiddling their thumbs.]

**Crabbe:** So… what do you want to do?

**Goyle:** Dunno.

**Draco:** Let's play (s) Scrabble.

**Crabbe and Goyle:** (together) … okay.

**Draco:** (s) HOW DID I KNOW THAT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THAT?

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 11:**

[Harry, Hermione and Buckbeak are freeing Sirius.]

**Sirius:** … and remember, always wash behind your ears.

**Harry:** (s) … always.

**Sirius:** (welling up with tears) You have so much of your mother in you, Harry.

**Harry:** (tears rolling down his face) I love you.

**Sirius:** (s) I lo-

**Hermione:** (s) I hear voices! Quickly, Sirius!

[Sirius hops onto Buckbeak and soars into the sky. Harry stares at their retreating figures with misty eyes.]

**Hermione:** (tugs on Harry's arm) Come _on_, Harry.

**Harry:** Alright, (s) bossyboots.

[They hurry off to the hospital wing, where Dumbledore is about to lock the doors.]

**Dumbledore:** (s) Well, children, did you stop Pettigrew from escaping?

**Harry:** … yes.

**Dumbledore:** Good. I (s) knew I could count on you.

[Hermione and Harry walk in and go to Ron's bedside.]

**Hermione:** (s) Do you-

[Snape bursts in, followed by Fudge and Dumbldore.]

**Snape:** (snatches Harry up by his collar) WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS SIRIUS BLACK?

**Harry:** Sir, this isn't like you.

**Snape:** (shakes Harry) I KNOW YOU'VE HIDDEN HIM! HE DESERVES PUNISHMENT! I KNOW WHAT HE DID!

**Fudge:** (shrugs) Guess we can't do anything. I'm only one wizard, after all.

**Snape:** (turns to Fudge) THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, FUDGE. YOU'LL PAY.

[Snape storms out.]

**Fudge:** (huffs) Don't know what's got him so worked up.

**Dumbledore**: (quietly) He's just suffered great disappointment.

**Fudge:** Bye then!

[Fudge exits. Dumbledore turns to Harry and the gang.]

**Dumbledore:** For your efforts, you deserve (s) recognition.

**Ron:** (apparently now conscious) Like money?

**Hermione:** Or fame?

**Harry:** Or parents?

**Dumbledore:** No. (s) A name. I hereby dub thou…

[Draco and the gang burst in, but remain unseen.]

**Dumbledore:** … the Golden Trio.

**Draco:** NO! (He faints, Crabbe and Goyle drag him out.)

**Dumbledore:** (s) Get some rest, children.

[Dumbledore wafts out.]

**Harry:** (s) Well, I'm glad everything's sorted.

[Silence]

**Ron:** (shouts) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THAT MADE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. IF ANYTHING, I AM MORE CONFUSED THAN USUAL, AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING.

**END OF EPISODE TEN PART TWO**

**END OF WOEFUL WIZARDS PRISONER OF AZKABAN**


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